( LAUGHTER )
NOT ALL THE NEWS THIS WEEKEND WAS ABOUT IMPEACHMENT. NOT ALL THE NEWS THIS WEEKEND
WAS ABOUT IMPEACHMENT. ON SATURDAY, THE PRESIDENT MADE
AN UNSCHEDULED TRIP TO THE HOSPITAL. THE SECRETIVE NATURE OF THE
VISIT PROMPTED A LOT OF SPECULATION. WHO KNOWS THE REAL REASON, BUT
TRUMP WOULDN’T BE THE FIRST PRESIDENT TO HIDE HEALTH ISSUES:
F.D.R. HID POLIO, EISENHOWER HID A HEART ATTACK, AND LINCOLN HID
HIS SECRET SKULL REDUCTION SURGERY. ( LAUGHTER )
THAT’S WHY HE WORE THE HAT. HE HAD THE SURGERY, SO HE HAD TO
WEAR THE HAT TO COVER UP — I DON’T QUITE UNDERSTAND, EITHER. ( LAUGHTER )
I AM SINCERELY RELIEVED TO SAY THAT IT LOOKS LIKE THERE’S
NOTHING WRONG WITH THE PRESIDENT’S HEALTH. I MIGHT NOT BE TRUMP’S BIGGEST
FAN, BUT I DON’T WANT HIM TO LEAVE THE WHITE HOUSE FEET
FIRST. I WANT HANDCUFFS FIRST. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) PRESS SECRETARY STEPHANIE
GRISHAM LATER EXPLAINED THAT TRUMP DECIDED TO GET PARTS OF
HIS PHYSICAL DONE EARLY BECAUSE HE HAD A “FREE WEEKEND” IN
WASHINGTON. OKAY, THAT’S THE SADDEST THING
I’VE EVER HEARD. (AS TRUMP)
“HM, I HAVE THE DAY OFF, I COULD SPEND IT WITH MY CHILDREN? NOT REALLY MY THING. MY WIFE? SHE HATES ME. MY FRIENDS? ALL IN JAIL. AH, I’LL GO TO THE HOSPITAL AND
HAVE THEM STICK ME WITH NEEDLES, JUST TO FEEL SOMETHING.” ( LAUGHTER )
GRISHAM WENT ON, EMPHASIZING THAT TRUMP IS, “HEALTHY AS CAN
BE.” ( LAUGHTER )
OKAY, BUT HOW HEALTHY CAN HE BE? HE’S A 73-YEAR-OLD INSOMNIAC WHO
EATS NOTHING BUT FAST FOOD, WHO’S AFRAID OF STAIRS. (AS TRUMP)
“WATCH OUT FOR STAIRS. THEY’RE LIKE RAMPS WITH TEETH.” IT’S TRUE. ( LAUGHTER )
TRUMP TOOK TO TWITTER TO DEFEND HIS TOTALLY NORMAL SURPRISE
CHECKUP, SAYING HE WENT TO WALTER REED AND “BEGAN PHASE ONE
OF MY YEARLY PHYSICAL.” OKAY, PHYSICALS DON’T HAPPEN IN
PHASES. ( LAUGHTER )
EVERYBODY HAS THEM. I JUST HAD ONE. MY DOCTOR NEVER SAID, “OKAY,
DROP YOUR PANTS, BEND OVER, AND TRY TO RELAX. I’LL BE BACK IN SIX MONTHS.” ( LAUGHTER )
ALL RIGHT? YEP. YEP. ( PIANO RIFF )
STAY THERE. STAY THERE. ( APPLAUSE )
TRUMP FINISHED HIS TWEET WITH, “WILL COMPLETE NEXT YEAR.” ( LAUGHTER )
YES, TRUMP’S FIRST PART OF THE PHYSICAL WAS SUCH A HIT THAT
NEXT YEAR, THEY’RE COMING OUT WITH A SEQUEL:
“COLONOSCOPY 2: 2 BLOCKED 2 SCOPE.” ( LAUGHTER )
WE’VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
"Phase one"? Did he have a physical or is he in training for a Mars mission?
Feet first, handcuffs first… Why choose? I’m fairly sure trump will either die from stress during the impeachment or kill himself after he’s removed from office.
Donny loves KFC, so I think his health will be GREAT!
Alex Trebek gets pancreatic cancer but this orange trans-fat-head just goes on and on …
Maybe he's thinking of turning it into a new reality tv show… shudders
We can only hope its fatal…
And trump just concealed an amphetamine overdose.
Physically ok…>..mentally?……the cause of his potty mouth !
A lot of people don't know that: this very stable, least racist genius with very large a brain does not only have the best words, he has the best health.
John needs to learn to stop making weird noises
Yes he is okay now but it appears Pelosi and Schiff may have tried poison.
Exactly! I want him to live a looooong remainder of his life in prison!!!
You would think that if Trump had a "free weekend" it would be a dirty one with Ivanka.
Trump thinks his physicals are Marvel movies. He's setting up the Infinity Kidney Stones Saga.
He is just taking advantage of Presidential health benefits before he leaves the Oval Office…
Hes going to use health issues to resign if hes close to being impeached
Trump pops pills so that’s why he sent to the hospital. Needed to re-up
Getting scanned for "brain spurs"
If he comes back with one of those plastic 'doggie cones' on his head we'll know he's got more plugs
It could also be a stunt to have health issues up his sleeve in the event he needs it; plus he is creating drama for his followers….. being the hero. Oh I am strong, pretending to be well, but the bad Democrats are having an impact on my health. I need you rallying to my rescue! He's covering all bases.
He had to go to the hospital. He thought that there was something on his ass. Turns out its only Jim Jordan, Devin Nunes, and Lindsey Graham got their lips permanently super glued to Trump's ass.
Stephen Colbert stop pretending that you like nz. You don't you are nothing but an asshole
I'm sorry, but I think it's over the line to wish for an elected president to be removed from the White House in handcuffs or jokes about a person's health, even a detestable person. I absolutely don't want Trump re-elected and get why there's so much vitriol against him but the level of crassness in public speech now is sliding into the gutter.
Did Stephanie do the press conference in a bar?
😁😁😁
Maybe they operated Mike Pence's head out of his arse.
All I want for Christmas is Trump impeached, trump impeached, trump impeached
All I want for Christmas is trump impeached, so I can tell the right that they can kiss this 🍑🍆🙀
Stephanie Grisham lost ALL her credibility so…
trump cheated on his blood test!
Trump had a successful emergency surgery lasted several hours. The surgery itself involved removing several head's, that were stuck deep up his ass. After s long, intense surgery, DNA tests analysis were done on the heads and test results are in and they show the heads belong to Lindsey Graham, Rudy Guilianni, and Sean Hannitty, to name a few. Trump is expected to have a full recovery.
My guess? He took too many uppers and had an anxiety attack.
"…watch out for stairs they're like ramps with teeth." I'm still crying from laughing so hard.
he wants a liposuction…almost every comedian makes fun of his great posture…trevor even mentioned his vagina neck.
Jon Baptiste playing "Only the Lonely" during Colbert's joke of doctor leaving him with his pants down for 6 mos. Classic. 😁
The Simpson's
There prediction could come true soon.
May stroke, Heart attack, cancer or else never touch the president!!!
May the police, FBI, Congress or else take care of the president's Ass in jail.!!!
trump needs to be taken out of the white house in a body bag.
When hubris is so strong, you (trump) think everyone will believe anything I tweet lol..
Who the heck gets skull surgeries🤷🏽♂️😂
Feet first, handcuffs first, in a small jar labeled Hazardous Waste… Doesn't matter to me as long as he's gone.
0:46 I just LOVE those Jailhouse Rock chords. 🙂
Trump’s secret trip to the hospital was to check his eating technique of a burger 🍔
Handcuffs first! Handcuffs first! Handcuffs first!
Should be the new "lock him up!" chant.
They went to the hospital to see if there was any chance of finding Donald in the 240 pound tumor he calls a body
MAKE
ANGIOPLASTY
GREAT
AGAIN
That little tune at 0:45 sounds like the start of a fraggle rock song from which they sing behind bars.
This is how many people want him impeached and in jail! 👌😉
👇👍
So was this physical with another prostitute he'll have to pay off later?
Too bad he didn't visit Dr. Conrad Murray.
I don’t mind if he leaves feet first.
He went to the hospital looking for his spine
Next phase will be with the prison doctor..
Never seen such a case of trump derangement syndrome. This dude just never stops
A president who has a weekend off and nothing better to do then go to hospital. This is in the top ten of stupid lies that insult the listener.
DOCTOR: "Ok, given your general fitness level I think we'll just try for 2 pushups…"
TRUMP: * manages one pushup, sort-of *
TRUMP: "Perfect. See you next year for the other one…"
DOCTOR: "Maybe…"
Maybe he simulated testicular cancer. What other way should he achieve getting his balls gently touched?
Sounds like there's nothing to be done for his brain.
Someone should start submitting FOIA requests for records of the visit while asking him publicly to release the records by doing nothing other than complying to the FOIA request.
It was clearly to try to disarm the Russian bomb implanted in his spinal column when he fell asleep in the Moscow hotel. Would explain so many things including his bizarre posture change.
Reagan had Alzheimer's while President. Nancy did alot to help cover it.
There is big lack of creativity in this guy as he talks on only one topic everyday … Trump this Trump that …
He can leave head first! As long as he leaves I'd be happy….
Well consider how much Republicans senators are crawling up his ass and how full of shit he is it is understandable that he has some blockage.
I don't care HOW trump leaves the White House either feet first or handcuffs first, JUST SO LONG AS LEAVES THE WHITE HOUSE.
👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼 hand cuffs first!!!!!
It's not a yearly physical if phase 2 is the next friggin' year.
AAHHH the old trick..he is too sick so for health reasons and to spend more time with Ivanka( no sign of MElania holding his hand on the way to the hospital?)." HE is forced to RESIGN 😩😩😩😩😩😩😩
you know youre fat when your physical has to be done in phases.
Just a routine checkup for all the lobbyists living in his rectum.
I don't care how they drag him out. Just drag him out.
And throw him into a garbage truck where he belongs.
I came for the Terry jokes. I leave disappointed.
This will be Trumps version of his hospital visit: “As soon as I got there everyone recognized me as the Chosen One, all the surgeons said that they wished that their hands were as magnificent as mine, three patients immediately came out of a coma to thank me and all the heart monitors started beeping in unison to the National Anthem”
Should of had the 25th for two hours.
His doctor called for for his positive STD results?
Must be a perfect score he's got.
in handcuffs or in a box, it's all the same to me.
0:47 Jon Baptiste was starting "Jail House Rock"
Witch
Just imagine the conspiracy theories if Prez Hamberders dies while in the White House… Oh my, print media will have a massive resurgence just to supply the newspapers clippings for the conspiracy walls, not to mention the fact that manufacturers of red string will rule the world. I'm afraid his death would just lead to a previously thought impossible level of stupidity within the population, leading to the presidency of Alex Jones.
I heard the gerbils tail broke off.
A she'd i.e. = as he'd i.e. = as he die
An all weekend long colonoscopy would do the job. Ours has been going on for over 3 years now. Bendover sir!
I will never feel the complete physical nerve ending caress and sensation of my true lover’s kiss as those other boys did.
Because of the permanent numbness in my lips from an oral surgery dental plan found for a corrective cleft lip and pallet birth defect which was only formed to me after my mother was “accidentally” given a drug by her dentist while pregnant with me growing as a fetus in her precious womb at the perfect stage for dental tampering for their own personal gain from the careless act of not perceiving me as human being but as a cash crop.
Dentists (people) will do anything to enforce their need for clientele as do the doctor$ competing for more clients than any other doctor$ have!
No matter what they must secretly hide insight from “patients” to only remind them to simply brush and floss to “keep them away” from being needed repeatedly.
As a way to appear sincere while fearing for their own chosen livelihood at the same time.
We live in a maintenance required world of chaos and lies to maintain a relevant job FORCING us to compete instead of being allowed to openly expand from or ever cure ourselves of disease with.
If doctors do not keep us sick and unhealthy then they lose their relevant need to maintain monetary competition instead of ever evolving past it.
1920 – 2019
How many doctors would we need if we didn’t take claim over other people’s basic needs in life?
Absolutely fewer than 10% of the population until we would need none, but only once we evolve through working together out of the enjoyment of openly being kind to learn unconditionally from one another.
Every doctor has a chance to prove to child minded politicians of the correct way to evolve through our true useful knowledge of human biology and psychology, by saying that we have had enough of the necessity for such undermining in our requested professions.
We need to enforce a worldwide change in our behavior and intended purposes by merely working out of the kindness in our hearts, just as I do learn everyday to now bring this caution to your attention.
Politicians have not evolved to ever be useful or aware enough to communicate peace between separated countries. For the plenty full resources the earth naturally provides from past evolutionary enhancements. Sadly and relatively to be the most plenty full in America.
Please don’t charge us or any human alike for our smiles.
Why are we being charged to smile beautifully?
It only makes us feel as if you really wanted us to frown all along.
We all have a chance to produce sustainable results through our spirited practices we love doing. If you truly love your work then you will understand.
We need a resource based technological care for precision of resources to produce 0 waste in order to save our selves and our planet from extinction.
Doctors hold the fear of death in us.
Release us. Please! God evolved, as it continues to adapt to the presence of people and my type of growing intelligence.
We all require our freedom from this enslaved system and it’s faltered requirements for constant non-progressive job maintenance needed assurances to unfavorably contradict our basic psychological needs to live correctly.
Our brain’s perception needs to be updated and approved by our subconscious connection to God and it’s planet earth.
Sincerely,
Your past mutated dental lab cleft pallet toothless birth child tortured cash crop to be of 38 years now and forever your torturing reoccurring patient,
Christopher Anthony Glasse.
I ask this of you for my own awareness of our psychological needs and from a gained sensitivity of a sick sense of smell picked up from a possible true love. One lovely woman who brought a new interest of hope and discovery to me when I had no idea that it was even possible. Ying and yang. She will complete me. As yours will too.
Apparently it was an operation to remove his head from his arse.
Read the memo from the wh…. the figures for his cholesterol dont make any sense…they are better than the average Olympic athlete.
Military physicals happen in phases. First one you go and get labs and such done, then you schedule part 2 where a doc goes over results and makes entries in your records. I suspect that they can get it all done in one shot for the president.
No sound?
OK Stephen, you win. That last quip made me spit my mouthful of yoghurt 😂😂😂😂😂
Can you just IMAGINE how awful it would be if he contracted some sort of rare arse cancer that meant he shit himself constantly, but was also super-allergic to incontinence products? Can you imagine that – shit permanently dripping down the back of Trumps legs, plus they probably had to cut his cock off too…??? Man, that'd be terrible…
Teeing up his resignation "for health reasons" rather then be removed??
I always decide to get a partial physical on the weekend. I mean, cocaine inspiration always makes it make sense.
WAit….. what?????
Why are you asking?
Put him in a small cage with a Mylar blanket and see if he feels better
Pre-OP abe lincoln: Who ya calling pinhead?
He died and they're looking for an impersonator to take his place. I'm calling it.
It's a prostatic exam. In this age he will want a lot of different opinions.
Why is everyone so concerned about his health? Trump would know more than the doctor does and also if he had a heart attack he would perform his own resuss he is that good. and after doing compressions on his own chest and breathing down his own throat he would be in such great shape he could go a couple rounds with a porn star. Those great big hands of his and tight ass with rippled six pack abbs says its all hearsay and is just a routine checkup. Just ask his lover and soulmate Ivanka.
Lincoln actually had skull reduction surgery…
…when he was assassinated by being shot in the back of the head. 😱
Say a prayer Pence doesn't get to step up
Really? The man cant go to hospital without being made fun of? GET A LIFE..AHOLES
No incumbent President ever has a free weekend. End of story.
He needed a refill on the uppers.
CHOSEN ONE 😂 😂 😂.. I THINK GOD HAS CHOSEN HIM.. TO GO TO HELL 👹👹👹👹